it is at moments like this

when you reach home at a almost unheard of earthly hour of 3.30pm and mindlessly eat watermelon and dark chocolate. and you don't know why :/

it is when the sun is still out

and your neighbour gives you a lift, allowing you air-conditioned comfort instead of heat and dust

and she enquires about your life, your school

and you explain your past late hours of activities, so tiring!

and you shrug and give a laugh

and a smile,

and appear happy that it's all over now

but inside, you feel empty.

like someone has hollowed out your life, your life so simple and minute

and you are left with nothing to really look forward to

and nothing truly-

and it doesn't help these familiarity and everything around you is going to give way soon to something new, something foreign.

it is a bit like the moment i cut my hair.

to tell you the truth, i'm not really that much of a rebel at heart (though yes, i did it slightly to spite some of you, heh) neither was it a issue about comfort, short hair actually clutters the area between your ears and shoulders way more than ponytails.

i cut my hair, not because i wanted to ( i sort of lied :/) but because i needed to.

i'll admit i was a wee bit sad to see those strands fall to the ground - clumps of limp protein. okay actually very sad. :/

i didn't want to let go of something, and i guess that cutting off my hair was symbolic of letting go, of cutting the dependence and attachment and familiarity. as much as you love something, you must learn how to let go before it hurts you more.

so off it went, snip snip snip.

and i felt all hollowed and cracked inside. i felt like crying inside. not because i looked really ugly on the outside (heh) but because i guess in the inside, as much as i tried to act brave and strong and resilient outside, i still didn't want to let go and i was haunted by a feeling of loss and needy-ness.

forcing change is hard. refusing the familiar too. and acceptance isn't the hardest. it is letting go that is.