pensées des roses jaunes

2008-05-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

saltyknees.wordpress.com

:)

2008-05-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

today i'm feeling strangely relieved and as though, something died in me.

i guess this is it.

so i will be saying goodbye here.

thank you readers. it's time for sze, to move on.

those were good times.

goodbye, goodluck.

2008-05-18T20:44:00.001-07:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.

:( :(

2008-05-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

i refuse to feel this way.

no-no-no-no-no.

i once wrote a poem about an onion and gave it to a friend of mine.
i once wrote a poem about an onion and gave it to a friend of mine.
i once wrote a poem about an onion and gave it to a friend of mine!

why the hell did i do that/

Onions make you cry.

2008-05-18T00:18:00.000-07:00

i have spent a good part of the morning worrying over not hearing from nus. what a waste of time.. heh

i know there are so many more things to life than just, well, another university acceptance/offer/rejection.

and i am not even talking about the more tragic/life-and-death situations (i.e. myannmar, sichuan, cyclones, earthquakes etc. ) :/

- just simply the things i take for granted such as education, making the grade, taking on extracurriculars i love.

i need to remember (gosh, this seems to be my phrase for the week/month/year?!) that a university education is a privilege, that choices (if given) are blessings not levers or self-effacing hedgers, that even the opportunity to try and make the grade is not that easily given and lastly, that the time i spend on enjoying extracurriculars is the time some people my age spend in factories working for their allowances.

everything's relative, eh?

2008-05-16T00:44:00.000-07:00

I hide myself within my flower,
That fading from your Vase,
You, unsuspecting, feel for me
--Almost a loneliness.

- I hide myself within my flower, Emily Dickinson

I have been feeling an inordinate amount of unnecessary 'emoness' this past few days, despite my well-meaning attempts to cheer my emo self up. (haha, have you ever heard of someone trying to self-prescribe happiness to themselves?!)

the days have been good, i can't complain..

work: scooping icecream with fun, wacky people. seeing happy families. ooh-aahhing over cute tots. :))

french: classmates = hilarious. teacher = really good!

bummin': seeing friends, sentosa (falling off the idiot-proof luge and getting scrapes and cuts :/), shopping, dinners, crazy conversations

but i still, still feel slightly empty and detached. heh, maybe i need anti-depressants Or probably less time to myself. that's what i told moonie, i need Activities so i will know what to do with myself. Anything.

I gave myself two tasks and I have completed the first one. Yet, there is still the second one. And I am tired. I want to stop. I no longer want to finish this task, yet I know I must. Yet, I don't want to know and I am Really Fine the way things are now. So what's wrong, can't I be lazy (and afraid and hide in my vase?) because I know that I need to. Gawd, what kind of reasoning is that?!

Anyway, to end on an optimistic note:

There are many things I wish for;
but there are many things that have already been given without even a wish.
And for simply that, I ought to be happy and thankful.

2008-05-14T07:58:00.000-07:00

i am so unbelievably tired after working and studying french today.

it was a terribly rainy day. while i was walking to work, i was once again seized by this inexplicable want to throw my umbrella aside, jump into the many puddles, run, sing and swing at the swings by the playground. the rain can make me so happy, stormy and sad at the same time. :)

i'm very tired emotionally and i want to settle this asap (pronounced as a-sap by people at work).

could i please settle this soon. please?

I pick a book up.
Turn the sheets down.
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause
Dreams last for so long
even after you are gone.

2008-05-11T01:14:00.000-07:00

i read this. (http://waltzinthe-eveningglow.blogspot.com/ - read May 8th's post on carter, pulitzer photo and others)

and i just want to say that, i wish too, like my dear friend who wrote this, that i could be a better person.

for every tear i shed for my own problems in self pity (?), there are so many more left unshed in the world by people who far less fortunate than me.

i need to remember that. and i need to start living and thinking not for myself, but truly for others. i need to remember.

a broken heart is nothing compared to a heart that has stopped beating-

2008-05-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

- A Beautiful Mess, Jason Mraz

I'm so scared. I want to keep it the way it is now, but now I'm forced to make a choice. I'm forced to the point that I Have to confront the problem to move on with life. I have to make up my mind and heart. I can't hide in ambiguity any more. And pretences. And all the subconscious naivety.

So I can only beg for your understanding. I am sorry for imposing. I am sorry for lying. I am sorry for feeling this way. I am sorry that it will have to come to this. I am, more than you can ever begin to understand or know, deeply sorry.

Sorry.

2008-05-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

mac's. ZIRCON FLOUR. tumble tots at eighteen. tonight was the best night ever this year! :))

2008-05-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

mhmmm.

:)

finally. i can Bum.

Yay! hahahahahhahhaahaa

2008-05-02T00:51:00.000-07:00

in every thing, there is a good and a bad.

it's up to you which way you want to see it.

tripping over matters, getting doors slammed in my face as well as harbouring regrets aplenty these past few months have taken a toll on me. especially since i took a long time to look within myself to find out what i really wanted.

someone once told me that i needed to mediate, how true. :/

but it was a worthwhile journey. i found myself - in way, i think i found a way back to myself. i was never one for much emotional stability; too prone to spontaenity, extremity and its likes. i take failure like the end of the world. :/ and never really quite grew onto the idea of sharing problems. as always, i am deeply attracted to the idea of escape. hah. now though, i'm glad for the knocks (everything's on hindsight, girl!) because i have returned to that cocoon of familial closeted-ness which i had been drifting from. :) and i have that one or two kind souls that are willing to hear me rant and that i'm comfortable enough to trust my heart and its insecurities with.

i'm happy that may has come. everything will be settled soon. :) then i can start vacationing with the parents. i can lose myself in the old city charm of melbourne and hopefully (fingers crossed), europe or even london. and i can be happy, back to the girl who placed everything in just what her parents wanted of her and saw in her.

in a way, i guess i just want to return to my 11-year old self. ;)

2008-05-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

yesterday i got my i-scream yoghurt (strawberry, raspberry, lychee - just like the old times) in school while fetching jet from choir, it tasted the same and brought back many memories. very fond and dear ones. :) taste and scent and songs get to me all the time. if i recall correctly, on an unfortunate hormone-awry day i teared while humming evr'ytime we say goodbye. haha.

but ac has changed. (read: people are riding bikes on the astro! heh) and i have changed too. it's funny how in just a matter of months, one's perspective and feelings can change so. we have all moved on in some way or another and inevitably, apart. i'm not saddened by this actually, i've been bracing myself for a long time now.

finders keepers, losers weepers.

it's just like being kids once more and i know this is for keeping. i'm not losing sight of these things now. :)

2008-04-29T08:37:00.000-07:00

something good-

dear x,

let's keep things simple.

dear y,

you know me through and through, so thank you.

dear z,

i believe if i try hard enough, it will work out some way.

dear xyz,

you are just figments of my imagination, right?

---

haha, losing it. am not! :/ M!

2008-04-28T00:13:00.000-07:00

slam slam slam.

go ahead. i'll be immune in awhile.

i'm asking myself whether i asked for this. on some inexplicable level, it cannot but somehow seem to haunt me that my past decisions and actions give me no excuse.

if i don't expect anything, anything that comes my way will be a pleasant surprise. and my judgement, it seems, is all skewed anyway.

sorry to mr and mrs expectations and everything and everyone else. believe me, sometimes i don't know if i'm doing it to please myself or you. Or you.

and at this damn stage of vulnerability. i need to stick to my guns. i need to stop seeking comfort in you. stop. i can't bloody well become dependent on you. i can't depend on you. i know i can't. i'll just cry harder at the end of the day if i do.

it's absolutely zero. game over, start over-

2008-04-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

i'm losing it. i want this and the next minute, i want that. and the next minute, i don't want anything.

buzz in my head,
i can't seem to cap the lid.
it's flying, flying-
mind, give me some sleep.

fish out of water
long time passing
ish, ish, ish
self-ish, child-ish.

stick to your guns
stick to your guns
big girls don't cry!
better to let it die.

2008-04-23T18:48:00.000-07:00

it has been said that i'm a somewhat muddled-headed, 'blur' and clumsy individual. i couldn't agree more. and tis' lucky that i revel in this kind of 'blur'ness.

this morn i missed my shuttle bus, got myself drenched in perspiration (walk from home to busstop) and later, rain (a precarious sharing-umbrella exercise with some kind lady who offered to shelter me from fullerton's shelterless busstop to some random building- murphy's law when i have it, it rains not and when i don't, it does.) and of course, i appeared half an hour late for work - quite cold and wet, but still happy and alive.

But if not for all that, i wouldn't have got 75 all to myself on a rainy thurday morning. grey skies, thundering rain and sopping water drizzling down the bus windows. all that space to myself right in the middle of a jam-packed city! i had to muzzle all the temptation in me to start singing (cue in singing in the rain in an empty bus ;)), the bus driver would have thrown me off!

rainstorms are wonderful things.

thus that was a wonderful morning to what was a terrible night.

dreams are odd things. and i rather not dream at all. they present you the impossible in a realistic light. how painful.

in an instant when i woke, i knew everything was wrong again. and the guilt ate into me. always on my mind.

i should stop psychoanalysing myself (and my dreams) it scares me.

2008-04-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

if i was to keep quiet and not say anything, maybe i will be less confused.

Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry

and I'm finally, finally... running out of words.

2008-04-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

i have to write about this.

by some cosmic random chance, i stumbled upon a beautiful writer on one of my sporadic blog-surfing episodes . correct that, someone who writes intelligently and feelingly. thus, beautiful. i'm quite sure i'm going to get in trouble with this habit of attaching ambiguous adjectives to people without explaining. ( if your thoughts and feelings are expressed beautifully, isn't it part of you too?)

but i digress, i have no idea whether the writer himself is a goodlooking chap. you see, i don't even know this guy (though i can safely say he's singaporean since these are all singaporean linked blogs and he does make reference to ns?) anyhow, he sure writes thought-provoking prose and comes up with succinct metaphors/references, and the way he describes feelings makes me go 'mhmmm'. :)

it is however quite disconcerting that over cyberspace that i seem to have found someone('s writings, rather) to connect to. i'd be blog-stalking. eeuch. and i do feel slightly bad and selfish that i'm enjoying his writings silently and secretly without giving him due praise. ahwells.

this makes me ponder. is it possible to fall in love with something as iane as beautiful prose? and could it ever translate to falling in love the writer him/herself?

2008-04-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

feeling fat and fatuous.

i hate the word fatuous. okay random. very tired and sick. i have no idea why though. it was a good weekend i had. :/

i need to do my french homework. i hate french verbs. :( and i also need to convince myself and arm myself metaphorically (reminds me of 'arsenal of democracy') with information on why anyone, oh yes very so, why anyone in their right mind would possibly and very (im)practically want to read philosophy at this era and time..

I THINK, I B . take that! hah

we'll see, i guess. we'll see. back to friedman, keynes and stiglitz. whoopeedo! :/

2008-04-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

'what a week
-trammelled, unravelled, unspun yarn

distilled forms of emotion:
a myraid of test tubes for me to pick from
but what i did ( what i think i did)
was to chuck all of them into a crucible and heat them over the flames of lighted tealights and watch them vaporise in thin air.

dispersed. undetectable. intangible.

i don't want to know.
i don't want to see.
i can't look at honesty in the eye.
and i don't know if what i'm doing is right.'

- 22 April 2007

decided to go down the memory lane and see how i was coping last year this time. and surprisingly, i still remember how and why i wrote this entry.

the reference to tealights were from becca's balcony birthday surprise and my envy for that strong and sweet a love. :) and my mixed feelings and my (lack thereof-) honesty issues were towards a certain situation and a certain person.

the 'troubles' of youth. hah.

ironically, i'm much happier now though i still face various cases of conflict of interests.

too many things have changed over these past few months and it's really proving hard to keep some things i/we took for granted, intact and in place.

so i should be glad that some things don't change, some feelings always stay the same. :)

---

let's stay this way and sleep the day away
and when i wake
you can make banana pancakes
and i can tell you what we used to do as kids
and hand in hand, we know we can just stay this way

2008-04-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

“The human heart has hidden treasures, In secret kept, in silence sealed; The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, Whose charms were broken if revealed”

-Charlotte Bronte

2008-04-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

- What a Wonderful World, Louis Armstrong

---
24 Feb

i picked up your sweater.

no one was looking and the light was pretty, so i decided there and then that, that was a sign.

i brought it to my face and breathed in deeply. the scent was gone.

strangely enough, there was no empty ache surfacing. only a wry smile on my lips-

and that's the secret between your sweater and me.

2008-04-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

i'm glad. terribly glad that there are other interns at D&N with me. they are a wacky bunch and make life really bearable :) it's almost like being in school again. all the inside jokes, insults, teasing and dares-

that aside, i've been swimming again. one needs all the fresh air, exercise and water (in every sense) one can get when you sit in front of the disgusting computer 8 hours a day, 5 days a week :(

and that aside, i have been thinking some and i have realised some others..

in-between

it's different now
like a scab peeled apart
and carefully sewn back

new skin against old pain;
suture-lined feelings.

i fight this urge to run up
to you and
look,
and cry (the third time now).

i'm afraid you'll never know
of the untruth i wrote

-

2008-04-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

breakfasts on trains

smell coffee scented coughs
which float like sticky caffeinated bubbles
and
breathe in stale teeth, smouldering mouthwash.

hear the empty tummies collect
and growl when the papers rustle:
reminders of yesterday's bacon's
sputter and bustle.

and bite into human sandwiches;
they make them good.
ladies in sausage-beige suits substitute food.

this meal is complete in
all senses
of the word
and it's cheap
only $1.20 per piece/per ride/per eat.

therefore folks try it someday
and till then,
bon appetit!

---

2008-04-10T03:41:00.000-07:00

'I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.'

- (pseudo) Martin Luther King

and that about sums up my rather happy day. :) oh, and the world is really darn small. haha or maybe it's just singapore.

2008-04-08T01:18:00.000-07:00

i'll bet you something.

school can Never teach you what Work(life) is really about.

my eyes are going to pop, insurance law is amazingly interesting and boring at the same time and .

i really just want to go back to school- by which i mean complaining about ib but still secretly loving the work at the very end, staying back till goodnessknowswhen for ccas, trying to stay awake for econs, scrambling to complete all the calculus i missed, even being all cold, tired and groggy but i was still Happy

i know i am being unreasonable and whiny, but seriously.. i don't really want to grow up. it's not about the 'frightening' or 'foreign' part; it's simply the i-don't-like-it part :(

some people (i think, to be fair) Do want to sit in boardrooms negotiating and brokering deals, be all eloquent and shout nonsense at the defendant, work the phonelines and network-

i just don't think i'm All that cut out for that.

and things that seem plausibly/possibly likeable are left regretted or are simply considered too impractical to consider.

{/edit}

okay, maybe it's just sitting and not moving (besides the semi-sluggish brain cells) all day that's getting to me. i'm the type that needs to Move. :/

and thank god for telephones. i feel much distance(d) these days. the ns/ocs guys don't know how lucky they are sometimes, really.

over there, you get to escape reality a while longer.. even a roundabout is better than the highway sometimes.

2008-04-04T06:34:00.001-07:00

if one has the ability to hope,
why not the ability to have faith?

is faith instinctual?

the past few days have been truly tiring and draining
i just don't let on what's inside
people who have any inkling of what's really going on
are faraway.
seems like i'm still a sucker for privacy-
ahwell.

for everything; good and bad. thank you.
for every door that slams shut, another opens..

and for those who listened and advised. thank you.
and most importantly, thank you for being there, for just caring
when all i wanted was to face this alone; all the wrong decisions, the regrets and choices

it took me so long
as it always does..

so how will it work out now?

have faith (and feist)

:) yes, i think i will.

2008-03-31T21:51:00.000-07:00

all my us uni apps decisions came in today and i received three rejections one after the other in a 6am-bleary-eyed state of mind.

:/

rejection sucks. especially after so much work put in the apps.

and i went back to bed, wondering what the heck went wrong. :(

an entire checklist of academics, extracurriculars, community work, recommendations etc went through my mind as i ticked them mentally.. trying to see what was that missing element

but you know what, i realised what my mistake was. and i'm not talking about why i didn't get the apps. i'm talking about the bigger picture.

i realised that i was so caught up in this applications/rejection-failure mindset that i completely lost who i really was.

for three months, half of us, i daresay, have been slogging out on uni apps and scholarship apps. we are told to nicely compartmentalise our life in 'academics', 'awards and honours', 'ccas', 'community work', 'jobs/employment' and of course, present a gigantic lucridously pinkish red maraschino cherry on the top: the personal statement.

and in that process, i have started to judge myself subconsciously with that too. :(

what was choir? syf, gold in international compeititon. administrative executive, emcee, organiser of activities

not the 6.30am early morning syf rehearsals and 4-8pm ones. not brainstorming for blingssarigamanspikachus nor marvelous monday nor stcck! nor shedding sweat and tears and some blood (papercuts. heh) nor a rainy evening singing my romance with ibgirls nor arguments/banter with madam. not anything near what has been much of my life the past two years. nothing near it.

what was dance? welfare rep, latin, jive, ballet

not sleepovers and climbing over fences. poltical fiascos with dance managers. trying on heels and dancing the first time. laughing at all the weird movements and yodelling in the studio and showers. not the adrenaline rush of moving, the exquisite pain of stretching or the fatigue of a long day+3 hours of dancing. definitely not the passion.

what was community service? yls, imf, simun, st lukes

not seeing the old folks and feeling regret and pain for not bringing more. not the joy of seeing children laugh and playing with them. not the sense of urgency to solve problems and propose solutions.

---

so now i know why.

i never took on activities to fill up my resume; they were always chosen for meaning or passion or just fun. and i used to and probably still do detest or at least regard people that do these things just to prettify their resume rather warily.

but Ironically when the time comes for me to write my own resume and do my own applications, I've unwittingly committed and subjected myself to the mindset I abhor.

:( :(

2008-03-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

unwritten has been on-repeat in my head :/ but i do like it. the lyrics are apt enough :)

I am unwritten,
can't read my mind,
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning,
the pen's in my hand,
ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page
before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

2008-03-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

chers, aizat, peter: thanks for the concern!! :) and to those who have putting up my crap and whining and insecurity issues, thank you so much. i think i'm feeling much more settled now. thanks :)

do you sometimes feel as though you are separate from yourself, that you do things that you don't want to do, and do things that you know you shouldn't do and say things you shouldn't say and keep in the words that you shouldn't hold back. and feel things you shouldn't feel and chase after things you shouldn't even try for-

so enough of rhetoric, i say. just whack lah!

---

2008-03-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

i have finally reached that point.

i'm tight with anger. it is good, i was supposed to feel this way a long time ago but it was always fallible hope or lingering resignation in the way. now nothing is, and i'm for once, truly angry. something just broke apart within me in that moment, and now i know. i can see everything for what it is and isn't.

and i'm not giving up. it's not that. something in me just died today, curled up and died. i wonder why i ever thought this would end up well and pretty when all i was doing, was setting up myself for the next fall and the next and the next...

it's no one's fault but my own. but i say phooey to all those people, myslef included at times, who believe running away isn't solving your problems.

sometimes you don't have a choice, you need to run. there's a delineated, empty segment missing at the side. a weird kind of feeling. but i know now that there's no other way-

2008-03-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

i find it so damn hard to confide in people that i want to scream sometimes. it's supposed to be therapeutic to rant to people, ya'll know.. so why do i always feel as though i have something lodged in my throat whenever it comes to something personal.. it always seems easier to talk about Someone else's problems..

maybe what someone said about me in the past was true, i Am afraid of others judging me after all. act crazy and oh-so-sarcastic as i may, i am just one screwed up fake selfish human being with a queer tiny aortic pump, very bad time management skills and no idea whatsoever to do with her life. also, i need to start caring for those who care and stop caring for those who don't. i need some dignity, i need to get rid of dependency.

i've gone through this so many times. so many bloody times. it's always half-resolved then i'll plunge back down, even though i Know how it will turn out and i'll get angry (with myself) and get all hurt and aching over again. what's the point when you don't learn from your mistakes? and when you look back and see yourself doing the same thing all over again? isn't one time enough? once bitten, twice shy!

i hate feeling Out of sorts. i want myself back. Now. this has been far too draggy for anyone's good. even fate has a funy way of showing it, playing feeling the same way all over again by norah jones when i was all alone at serene, trying to find something in between the numbness.

i've deleted my phone's memory to the oblivion if that's possible, even my saved messages folder is gone for good, even though it was deleted by accident. its for the best. i'm throwing away my sketchbook and deleting all the files. it is about time.

2008-03-17T21:05:00.000-07:00

i'm not allowed to feel.

-

2008-03-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

all i have to say is:

DO NOT CONSUME TWO SLICES OF CHOCOLATE CAKE AFTER 2359.

GAWD. GRAH. SIGH.

:/

2008-03-14T05:32:00.000-07:00

see the new picture! thanks thenweili! :)

that's how i feel now;
girl on a hill
all sepia-worn and to the ground.
except it's the overdue monsoon rain and
sloshy slippers here;
instead of blustery wind and flying skirts..

two huge cups of coffee this morning has failed terribly in administering me :/
technically i should be sleeping like a baby these few days;
no conceivable stress . mm

perhaps maybe Besides The Essays That Just Might Determine The Next Ten Years Of My Life? :/

(and worrying about the next latte order..)

how irrelevant. heh. but seriously folks, i'mmasickofwritingallthisselfeffacingcrapwhyy..

:(

money makes the world go 'round.. YES IT DOES! money makes the world go 'round.

--

{edit}

i don't know why i do the things i do. and pretend when there's no point pretending. oh well. That's Life. :/

2008-03-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

just on some days

i re-visit a certain video when i'm down and need a laugh

it feels like watching my favourite movie over and over again, and though i know how it all ends anyway, i still laugh at the jokes, still cry at the sad moments and still dread its ending.

behind every hello, there's always a goodbye waiting to steal its limelight

there's a song lyric that states: the saddest part of a broken heart isn't the end but the start; the tragedy starts from the very first part, losing your mind for the sake of your heart

scents are scary things because they bring back forgotten days so-easily

these are all very disjointed thoughts, pardon me.
on one hand, i am rather happy
EGGCKS! heh :)
and on the other,
i'm quite numb and am wondering why am i doing this to myself.

uh-huh. i want to sleep. kthnxbye

2008-03-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

to my dearest kiddos:

thank you for the past three months. for all the crap i can spout, i really can't find the words to express how i feel. you have touched me in your ways; noisy, caring, cute, eccentric and in every way possible, sweet and lovely.

And it is slightly disconcerting and painful (in a bittersweet way) to see myself then (looking back upon my own fifteen-year-old self ), in a way weirdly reflected within all of you.

to see your concerns, expectations, stuff that i once worried endless about too.

to comprehend the fragileness and vulnerability of the world of a girl-child; where a single word or gesture can crush or lift a spirit, when every little thing and bit is magnified and when friendship and good times are taken for granted.

i'm so young yet i feel so old at this moment of time. everything is relative. heh.

i am starting to get used to the idea of letting go and witnessing change; because i have realised that i can't hold on to anything or anyone for that matter.

so my dearest kiddos, know that you are lucky to be at fifteen. treasure each other and all the times you take for granted now because when you find yourself nineteen and very much alone ( not unhappily, just solitary) you will realise how easily those moments slip away and how sadly those people drift away.

2008-03-02T16:27:00.000-08:00

for once, i actually want to read one of those mandatory mustbuy,ahah!wealreadydeductedthisfrommiscanellousfeessoyoucan'tsayno school commemorative books; more specifically, one which records twenty years of independence with interesting insights and unique memories and a Heck lot of school pride. :)

i guess i've to say that those two years, no matter how hectic, crazy and short, were two of the best years of my life. it was really gamble when we decided to step in there, especially us girls. a completely new programme in an all-boys school. heh.
but it turned out good, in fact, pretty darn great. :)

and i find myself (embarrassingly. heh) proud of this institution. way much more than i'd like to admit..

but this chapter of my life has ended and it's time to move on.. and i have also realised (rather sadly and inevitably) that amidst the many friends i've, all whom i treasure.. there are only a few, counted with my fingers, that can make me smile with their presence, by just being there and who i know will be there for me if anything.

i remember sometime last year in august, someone chided me for being so idealistic as to think that everyone is worth knowing and befriending. and he also told me that i ought to be happy to get even a few close friends. funny how it is, now that i realise it and it rings so true. ohwell.

okay, onto more pressing matters.. in typical fashion, i've decided to kill myself again in the many things i find to 'enrich' my life.. (to escape mindless, useless brooding. kidding!)

but school's still better! i can't wait for uni. :) but for now, at least i can seek some form of familiarity in the hectic schedule i've set up for myself.. at least it's like school-stress all over again :)

2008-03-01T07:31:00.001-08:00

it might not mean anything
it's just a skip (or two)
right?

2008-02-28T07:01:00.000-08:00

when you find that you can accept things the way they are, it can only mean two things;

firstly, you have matured and secondly, you have given up.

-

sunlight melts
his dappling fingers;
and you find that you want to capture that moment
and keep it safe and warm in
your pockets,

and a feeling
of unbearable lightness
takes over;
floating above the
airy shadows and
flickering motes

2008-02-26T23:25:00.000-08:00

on becca's request,

This is called the 123 meme.
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

---

"No grounds whatsoever. I'm playing my hunches. There's got to be catch. I've felt that the whole time I've been talking to you."

- A Wild Sheep Chase, Haruki Murakami

---

how very cryptic.. haha

i always found murakami was too abstract and 'chaotic' for me, but clem's recommendations made me see otherwise. :)

oh and before i forget, i had one of the nicest sunday mornings lately. :)

-
1-2am: mucking around in the kbl, listening to the boys tinkering various pieces on the piano (including the fatal sarigama pardeenisa hahaaha!)

2-2.30am: getting to know little cute or irritating or Both juniors and listening to music alone, surveying the school campus

2.30-4am: talking and eating crap (m&ms, chips, top!)with the boys. (it's highly amusing that i find myself always either in a girl or boy-saturated situation but Never an evenly-mixed one. haha, i wonder why.. )

4-6am: sleep (surprisingly well) in the freezing 4.13 :/

6-7am: showering alone at the wonderfully heated squash showers. the scent of shampoo and clean water and the quiet sight of the astroturf in the early dawn light is :)

7-8.30am: catch up with mdm r. (she grows on you after a while and i find myself missing her omniscient presence :( )and bumming around the kbl (it has a nice sofa now that you can nap on!! hahha)

8.30-9.30am: headed down to holland v with the two Cs for some better breakfast and conversation. their platoon people sound interesting, seems like army does expose you to much more than the jungle..and i realise i do miss those two morons and all their nonsense (though i must admit i think i am worse than them). :/ haha and i realise some things never change; like how we still have to depend on Coll to decide where to eat and how Clem takes forever to decide what to order.

9.30-10.15am: returned to school to deliver Mrs Wan her kopi and continued bumming around in the kbl. Clem started to playing that nice Japanese piece (Fisherman's Wharf??) and Coll played some jazzy chords for Sunday Morning. :) good music in the morning makes me a happy person! and after a while, I had no idea why but three of us started singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow (hahahaa, we startled a few churchgoers i'm sure) whilst trooping down to dump our stuff in the Still lizard-infested, bbq-scented room.

10.15-11.59am: went for the ACS Sunday Living Waters Service, missed the choir's first song (typical lateness :/) but heard the other two songs.. met becca, steph saw, ali and his cute sister (who didn't know i was teaching in sm. lol!) and some others :) and listened to the sermon about living water. really some food for thought. (i really appreciate the daily devotions i get/got in ac and sm, it scares me to think that in a week or so, this presence or ritual/habit will be gone.. :/)

-

2008-02-25T02:06:00.000-08:00

2008-02-24T01:55:00.000-08:00

sunset sail,
orange goodbyes,
a sharp outline
cuts the sky to bleed.

sea, sea!
sight's swimming before thee
and the feet that touches sandy bottoms
slips.

bottles of floating epistles,
and anchors piercing beds of weed,
the water's playing the old game
of stealing gravity.

i'm a fool to try
(to change) things that don't
Change-
like my salt-encrusted knees.

---

i'm angry. it's unfair. i try so, so hard to reach shore. why can't you see? i struggle and i fight the painful, contracted breaths.

my lungs, they burn. my eyes, they are sore and tingling.

i'm sick of swimming away;
of trying so damn hard in turning my back to the horizon. and not succeeding.

i'm sick of my resolve (my lack thereof-)
i'm sick of this spent paddling back and forth
i'm sick of losing my gravity
i'm sick of feeling the same way all over again

if scents diffuse, can feelings sublime?

2008-02-19T17:32:00.000-08:00

evening feet scuttles
home, home
like mice in a hurry
-

i don't what really. but i'm feeling much better these days.

sometimes it's good to start anew.

-

clean slates
and
sharp blades; so
cut your past
away; edge to edge.

and like papercut silvers,
holding blood beads abate.

2008-02-16T19:43:00.001-08:00

i have at least four different clear folders stuffed with university letters and applications and certificates (orginals and copies) And they are all not categorised or organised in any specific way because i simply chuck them all over the place!!

D-A-R-N. why am i such a disorganised toot. (and a forgetful, blur moron who Just realised she missed her second compulsory basic theory lesson, ONE MONTH after it has passed.)

???!!!!

i leave yellow post-its all around my desk shouting 'THINGS TO DO!' and i don't end up doing half of them,

And i tell people, i find it hard to bum around...

Rightt. Miss Aw, you are such a bum. pffft

so sunday is now clear-up time.

sheesh :/

2008-02-15T06:31:00.000-08:00

things of today

1. sleepy: reminder to self not to keep late nights/nocturnal outings a habit. it's bad for the brains and the eyebags.

2. remembering the weirdest things : this morning in the terrible air-con induced arctic conditions of kampong 11, i shrugged on the ac pullover, glimpsed upon a white streak on my left armsleeve and got promptly propelled into a reverie of reminicisence.

the late hours. not leaving school till the sun has set. moving the risers and being dubbed 'manly'. backfired 'boo' attempts. pulling shoelaces. sleeping in meetings. hearing mdm. sitting side by side with all of them and feeling tired but happy. and that evening when my paper-card tower of expectations collapsed, twirling and spinning in the astroturf and sitting together, watching a swaggering figure in the dusk light. mouthing words intangible.

3. people like the absorbent.

4. independent, solitary and (you know what?) pretty happy about it :)

i think i've over-thunk myself today

2008-02-13T06:28:00.000-08:00

it's valentine's day tomorrow and i can't help but feel nostalgic. not so young anymore -

Looking forward as we rewind
Looking back is a trap sometimes
Being here is so easy to do
If you want to

All the words that we say
And the words that we mean
Words can fall short

We told each other, there is no other way
Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting
I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season

Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep

2008-02-09T18:40:00.000-08:00

some things just don't change but you know what, i think i'm happier now (and braver and hopefully, wiser)

and time'll go on...

2008-02-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

i'm no longer living in the past
but even then, and even then...

---

and so i'll say this again

phoooey (believe it!) to your gravity

the art of losing is not hard to master, i'll lose this
just give me back myself-

(strength, please be with me tonight. i need you. i need resolve and i need to not be so silly anymore.)

2008-02-07T01:14:00.000-08:00

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
-Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

- Elizabeth Bishop

---

I miss lit.

:(

I never knew i could miss an academic subject like that. but i guess it was because i loved lit all along so it was never really an academic thing but a passion that i was allowed to (luckily) pursue as a subject...

nothing can be compared to reading a piece of prose, a poem or coming across a phrase that captures your imagination or even better, a feeling or emotion that has been eluding you for ages; simply because you can't find the words to put it in..

sigh

2008-02-06T08:05:00.000-08:00

i've been happy
and i'm going to stay this way.
i'm resolved. i don't care.

we swore we were through
but why do i still keep thinking about the things you do...

oh whatever, phoooey to your gravity!

2008-02-04T05:50:00.000-08:00

it is funny what a scent can ignite

midnight conversations, cold evening rehearsals, rain

emptiness, stage curtains, motes of sunlight

-

2008-02-02T07:39:00.000-08:00

today was a goodgood day. :)

learning something new has never been so fun and enlightening. i think my brain craves for new material to work upon after so long...

after writing uni apps, countless personal essays, philo essays, trying-to-act-interrectual essays and whatnot, it finally gains some blessed reprieve in the highly interesting world of music.. i sound like a nut, but trust me, it's so egg-xiciting!! :) :) and everything comes together - maths, history, lit what have you..

/ oh, and i finally don't feel like a turd when people start throwing terms around like augmented fourth and chromatic scale etc etc over my poor confused and blur head heh.. but i'm still Very Musically-Challenged! (but my teacher is really good, so maybe got hope! :P)

last of all, after two whole years, i'm back to myself again. thank you so much.

whew. it has been a long time coming...

2008-02-01T04:54:00.000-08:00

escape;
it's fire engine red
and tangledup like vines upon the wall

and i know
(quit chiding me) that
this is not the answer to
my unspoken question .

but leave me a
while to the
quiet night,
faded promises
and scent of memories.

i hold it at an arm-length's
afraid of the closeness that smoulders
once bitten, twice shy
and now i see,
to let it be and go free.

2008-01-28T04:24:00.000-08:00

today's devotion was about pride.

pride comes before a fall

i couldn't agree more.

in ways more than one.

humble yourself, girl and be honest.

going right back to the start.

2008-01-26T08:52:00.002-08:00

when you're down, nothing beats a long swim and some good music..

:)

2008-01-25T07:49:00.000-08:00

i ought to stop overanalysing

---

i dreamt of a phone call; the one i wished would happen in real-life;

and a clear-up, a true break to everything.

and i learnt that memories no matter how beautiful, are a pain in the butt

because they live in your heart, and only in your heart, forever.

and today because of all the various places i've been, my memory has been a sucker.

running. what a wonderful world. astroturf. wahchee. crazy nights. bum. cards. topshop. ties and such. i'm scared of going back sometimes. it hurts

-

whatever. goodbye. i'm such an idiot. let go, moron.

you promised.

2008-01-23T06:29:00.000-08:00

that's why i could never do probability i guess, because when it comes to expectations i just collapse.

i guess i'm never going to be good enough

and like dominos, let it all just fall now

after all, what's new...

i have nothing to lose just time, paper, ink, dignity, pride and some heart.

oh whatever.

why do i even bother.

2008-01-18T07:24:00.000-08:00

january days

in the same dapple of sunlight caught
and legs and beats swinging to:
O' Come on Let's Twist
Again?

I find myself, found you.
it is amid the bubble blowing bursts,
see-saw of lights and world that
i realise you shimmer
(silently, suddenly, insidously)

and i drift towards the tiles
familiar ache rising;
it's harder to breathe, they said,
head underwater.

water around,
and in my googles.
swimming to escape gravity (of yours)
and i feel like a stupid fish
that cries through its gills.

2008-01-10T06:38:00.000-08:00

rainy days are bittersweet
because now i'm always reminded of september afternoons
and walks in them-

but when the rain stops in the evening,
it's always beautiful.

the skies clear;
it and me
become starry-eyed

and i'm secretly wondering if you are seeing the same stars i see tonight

it will always be in between the lines for you and me

how how true

2008-01-07T05:36:00.000-08:00

something's got to give -
and people gotta leave

and on retrospect, i don't think i would have it any other way anyway.

one of the first econs definitions i learnt,

opportunity cost: the next best alternative forgone; the true cost of making a choice

i knew what i was doing, it wasn't as if i was some blundering, blubbering, dithering fool. and after a while, i figured some things can't be exchanged and even if they could be, i wouldn't want them to be.

ink&paper or things intangible?

and as always, time...

2008-01-05T19:01:00.000-08:00

well if anything is more worrying, it's the lack of doctors and medical facilities in japan.

a pregnant woman dies onboard an ambulance because nine hospitals refuse to take her in, victims of automobile accidents die because emergency clinics are understaffed..

not forgetting the things you hear about uk's nhs...

:/

2008-01-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

there are approximately four things on my mind now.

(in this order, according to priority)

1. ib and monday
2. universities and expectations
3. sec four emaths - probability
4. feeling the same way all over again

:/

ohwells.

2007-12-31T06:53:00.000-08:00

it's '08.

hello '08, goodbye '07.

before anything else, as of custom, this is '07's song. it accompanied me on bus rides and walks and in the rain.

---

I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don't want to hear them say
"You're no good at this"
When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead
Drowning in my tears

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I'm meant to be
Melting in your hand
Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see
Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me

Scars make us stronger for life

- Scars, Corrinne May

---

i've been looking forward for a new start and this will be it i guess. now or never.

this is cliched and i hate following lists but there's always a first!

resolutions

1. be a good daughter and sister
2. be a good teacher
3. listen more, talk less
4. learn sight singing
5. learn french
6. learn driving and not hit anybody or myself
7. return library books on time
8. read one book at a time and not five!
9. be honest to myself and my heart
10. to let it be

-

we'll see

2007-12-29T18:34:00.000-08:00

Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need.

To help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you; to make you into the person you were meant to be.

2007-12-28T05:47:00.000-08:00

watched love actually last night and this song keeps coming back to me..

just like how something always brings me back to you

---

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere,
i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun,
they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down,
and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show.
you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.

Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.

- Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell

2007-12-27T02:19:00.000-08:00

i'm happy, y'all know.

the scent of dove shampoo. a tan from a cloudy/sunny noon swim. friends who are really blessings. fishball and hotpinkfloat. haven!. memories and lots of laughter.

:)

and also the fact that i've finally cleared up my thinking.

truly, finally, really.

it took me nearly two years.
to see the light-

they're right, these kind of things
they seem to last a lifetime
but it's true; they are only transient.

so for one last time,

ev'rytime we say goodbye,
i die a little.
ev'rytime we say goodbye,
i wonder why a little.
why do gods above me who must be in the know ,
think so little of me,
that they allow you to go...

when you're near,
there's such an air of spring about it...
i can hear a hark somewhere begin to sing about it
there's no love song finer
but how strange the change from major to minor...

ev'rytime we say goodbye...

goodbye, goodluck

2007-12-21T18:51:00.000-08:00

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead

You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realizeVienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you.
And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

- Vienna, Billy Joel

for you.

2007-12-18T08:07:00.000-08:00

the Question on Ambiguity

i desire the definite.
but i've allowed myself to live in ambiguity:
between and beneath the lines.
(i don't blame you though i admit i used to, because i realised it is as much of my choice as it is yours)
I chose this path not out of love or neccesity (i'll spare myself the self-pity) but of mere selfishness-
for there does not seem to be any other way else
for me to scavenge these moments or hold them tightly in my fist to savour them
pressed against my skin.
they make slight indentations but they never do last, they fade and i try as i might, i
Forget.

---

that aside, my feet are aching. carolling at hospitals are always bittersweet and slightly awkward.

if anything i wish i could have picked up a dialect or two when i was younger. maybe i should start now, better now than never.

i always wonder and imagine what i would feel if i was a patient watching me, watching us and truthfully it isn't at all a happy feeling. despite gratitude, there is an overwhelming feeling of loss, awkwardness and loneliness.

then i think to myself: are we bringing more misery than joy?

:/

2007-12-14T21:21:00.000-08:00

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that

unusually hard to hold on to-

hello to high and dry;
for you're not what i thought you were

-excerpts from love song by sara bareilles

nicenice but i am quite tired already :/

2007-12-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

baking strawberry tarts with my brother
the smell of buttery dough,
stirring the not-so-smooth (heh) custard,
and cooking while grooving to geekinpink! by jason mraz
in the kitchen like two madcaps
on a rainy sunday afternoon is
well-
very blissful :)

---

i've been thinking about things this few days;
how i was stupid/naive enough to think things can remain unchanged and
that if i try, as long as i try hard enough,
i'll be able to hold on a memory, a feeling, or even a person-

how wrong.

we seek friendship, precious relationships in hope that we find someone we can identify with, someone we share something in common with. yet what happens when that is no longer the case, is the past strong enough to withstand the onslaught of the future?

it hurts when you know things have changed and there's this inevitable chasm in between and you find yourself making an effort to sustain something that used to be so easy, so natural, so simple...

mummmmy, i don't want! :(

2007-12-04T06:38:00.000-08:00

So time will go
And we may be
Far apart I know
But as far as I can see
This is so good
There’s no need for change
It’s alright with me
It’s as simple as it should be
Simple as it should be

- Simple As It Should Be, Tristan Prettyman

why are we doing this?
why is it so hard when it is so awfully simple?

you smile, and i smile
and it cracks a little at the end
it's part of this crooked way
we sit side by side and
smell the same scent and breathe the same air
yet through different windows
we see our world
car whirs past
at the roundabout,
on the highway
sit tight!
life's a scary stage

and by invitation only.

sorry sleepy. so incoherent. mm.

2007-12-01T02:08:00.000-08:00

and we'll collect these moments one by one,
i guess that's how the future's done

- Mushaboom, Feist

but i'm scared i'll forget
and i'm scared i can't hold them wide open in my palm
because like fireflies, the glow of each moment will fade
when daylight comes
and like eaglets, we will soon take flight-

so will you remember and even if you do,
will i?

2007-11-25T15:59:00.000-08:00

the all-toes :)

i've been trying to avoid this post.

i know it has ended a long time ago,

all the going-back was an attempt to retrieve what has already passed.

sometimes it feels as though it hasn't, but it has.

and i know that no matter how much we go back, promise to stay touch (will we really? three pink balloons don't just float away :/), sing our hearts out. it will be different.

perhaps the tears i shed for foa, weren't stupid, they were shed for this moment when reality really crashes down upon me.

year sixes. love :)

i know i am not supposed to get all emo-y about this but, but it's all the tiny moments. perhaps not even ones spent during official choir time, but the ones spent with the choristers that get me missing what the seemingly insignificant significant. if you get what i mean.

a terribly rainy, freezing day when the girls sang my romance outside the new cpa amidst the rain, wind and all the elements of nature. that feeling of belonged-ness, of being separate yet joined together by music, just music.

the achy excitement before performing, the adrenaline rush and nerves, yet the calmness that overwhelms when we all just step out on stage to give our best -- rise to the occasion, as ac tradition goes.

that salutaris hostia that gave me renewed faith

painted handprints on the kbl's wall and marvelous monday

stcck! uht stic :)

----

so thank you very much for the lovely dinner and thank you for the two years.

thank you.

2007-11-22T08:34:00.001-08:00

for a moment,
ev'rytime we say goodbye
i thought otherwise-

and now i know it's over.

thankyou soverymuchfromthebottomofmyheart

2007-11-13T04:44:00.000-08:00

the absurdity. the strangeness. :/

all i can say is g-o-s-h.

2007-11-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

Moon River,

Wider than a mile:

I'm crossin' you in style

Some day.

Old dream maker,

You heart breaker,

Wherever your goin',

I'm goin' your way:

Two drifters,

Off to see the world,

There's such a lot of world

To see.

We're after the same

Rainbow's end

Waitin' round the bend,

My huckleberry friend,

Moon River

and me.

2007-11-02T03:57:00.000-07:00

well apparently i've been meme-d heh. so here it goes..

the unrealistic ones

one. a tiny white villa (complete with a big garden and patio, please) on one of santorini's island craggy cliffs overlooking the aegean sea, with a walkway/stairs leading to a private harbour. :)

two. some kind of card that allows me to get any book(and cd since we are at it :P) i want from any bookshop in the world. but i'll make do with my birthday $100 borders one first. heh.

and the realistic ones

three. comfortable bass amplifier earphones. it's just the music, you and me.

four. bodyshop's white lotus petal rain scent :)

five. well-ventilated, soft and comfy sleek running shoes

-------

it seems like i am a sea-loving bibliophile who places importance in appreciating the layers in music as well as am equipped with a keen sense of smell and likes running.

sounds about correct... heh

2007-10-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

eighteen roses
11am morning surprises, friends bestowed upon me
fresh, blood-red buds
singing joyously

a toast to birth
a rose for love
a toast in mirth
a rose to serve

petals held by sinews of spring
will they fall in autumn's wind?
in a rush of youth,
for that blush of truth

eighteen roses wrinkled and dried
pressed between thick, hard encyclopedias
and kept in jars of brine,

can they, will they last through time?

2007-10-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

well where do i begin...

the surprise outside my bedroom door, the eighteen red roses, the champagne cake, the album filled with photos, snippets of memories and so much love :), the harmonised birthday song, every card and gift that heartened me so and each had a special meaning and bond from coffee cycles, writing hobbies to useless men.. lol

And of course, all the well wishes and texts :)

thank you theo.xuan.angela.clem.coll.soonks.peter.jeremy.chris.kenneth. chers.deb.fran.tel.joseph. (all the admin was worth it. kidding :P)

and acsi choir '06/'07, you make me so proud (credo today) and the birthday song (twice! lol)and everything else we have shared together. :)

and everyone else

sorry this entry seems so choir-centric. it's just that i spent most of my day with these lovely people. heh.

till next time!

2007-10-26T06:50:00.000-07:00

here's cheers to six years of friendship and many more to come!

thank you for loving the past, present and even your projected ideal future 'me'... despite all my idiosyncracises and things-that-eat-up-my-schedule and my blur'ness (which i am sure makes you laugh heh)

tonight really made my week :) and i'm all happy, warm and heartened inside

i really love you girls :)

2007-10-19T08:03:00.000-07:00

i've been happy-

:)

you start to understand that some things are meant to be;
that things, people and relationships change or crumble
over time whether you want them to or not-
and what you can do, is to live for the moment
and cherish it. and memories?
to hold on or to let go? that, i'm still undecided.

But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
If you just realize what I just realized

2007-10-14T01:44:00.000-07:00

the paint has dried for quite some time now and all that's left are

faint imprints of hands pasted on a wall

and i remember running and leaping from one end of the kbl to the other, high-fiving each painted handprint amidst a usual late evening exco meeting after everyone has left for dinner. and also pulling shoelaces. and spinning in my favourite wheeler chair in the middle of the room. and the highly dysfunctional dynamics of our meetings. of a certain brilliant soloist's tendency to irritate us with his falsetto or perhaps fall asleep. and another brilliant individual's ability to juggle a thousand and one activities while still appearing (albeit a little late) for these meetings. as well as the steady, all-influencing presence of the rock and foundation stone of choir itself. not to forget, the grace and femininity of music and lyric combined a dedicated and gentle lady. and blur ole' me.

those were the days.

and i really miss them and them

2007-10-12T20:26:00.000-07:00

dust-winged Silence

when i was but a child
i tried to catch them in my palms;
the touch of first love, the immovable moments in time,
the distilled essence and scent of feelings.
All iridescent butterflies
always alluring and alluding me.
Flights of fancy upon my finger,
making me chase for short-lived joys which
i couldn't seem to catch up to

now I am no longer a child
and I see things the way they are;
motes of sunlight and moonbeams,
intangible,
transient yet lasting.
They are fascinating but I'm frightened to touch
these fragile things.
Because I've seem too often how these crumble
under the weight of a word, a gesture,
Honesty, Truth and Pride.

Things, they change either way.
Pieces of dust choose:
to float between emptiness
or to sink to depths-

2007-10-08T02:55:00.000-07:00

sneezy and tired :/

i'm coming down with flu (no, i am already down with it) on the last week of school. :(

and after that, school is officially over.

and my education will all be in my hands.

it has always been a personal choice; whether to work harder, do that research, hand up your work, take up that additional responsibility etcetera...

but if you truly get what i mean.

it means no more structure (singaporean style) - no more teachers chasing for work, no more moe concepts of ccas and moral ed, no more 'pastoral care', no more mcs, parents letter, attendance matters to worry about, no more disciplinary measures or uniform checks and the list goes on...

it's scary, the prospect of it. exciting indeed but also scary. :/

am i ready for all this? i highly doubt so, but i guess whether or not one is, you will be pushed into it. heh, as always fate (and time) leads the willing and drags the unwilling.

And it doesn't help at all that half of the time, i still feel like a kid. :/

2007-10-05T03:26:00.000-07:00

habit? (perhaps)

it's funny how sometimes you start off being absolutely, adamantly, determindedly, single-mindedly resolved about something, only to find yourself breaking every single clause in a matter of hours.

interesting, isn't it?

and another realisation, appearances are deceiving.. :/

but never mind, we all get wiser over time ( and i believe in poetic justice, just you wait..)

2007-10-01T00:43:00.001-07:00

it is at moments like this

when you reach home at a almost unheard of earthly hour of 3.30pm and mindlessly eat watermelon and dark chocolate. and you don't know why :/

it is when the sun is still out

and your neighbour gives you a lift, allowing you air-conditioned comfort instead of heat and dust

and she enquires about your life, your school

and you explain your past late hours of activities, so tiring!

and you shrug and give a laugh

and a smile,

and appear happy that it's all over now

but inside, you feel empty.

like someone has hollowed out your life, your life so simple and minute

and you are left with nothing to really look forward to

and nothing truly-

and it doesn't help these familiarity and everything around you is going to give way soon to something new, something foreign.

it is a bit like the moment i cut my hair.

to tell you the truth, i'm not really that much of a rebel at heart (though yes, i did it slightly to spite some of you, heh) neither was it a issue about comfort, short hair actually clutters the area between your ears and shoulders way more than ponytails.

i cut my hair, not because i wanted to ( i sort of lied :/) but because i needed to.

i'll admit i was a wee bit sad to see those strands fall to the ground - clumps of limp protein. okay actually very sad. :/

i didn't want to let go of something, and i guess that cutting off my hair was symbolic of letting go, of cutting the dependence and attachment and familiarity. as much as you love something, you must learn how to let go before it hurts you more.

so off it went, snip snip snip.

and i felt all hollowed and cracked inside. i felt like crying inside. not because i looked really ugly on the outside (heh) but because i guess in the inside, as much as i tried to act brave and strong and resilient outside, i still didn't want to let go and i was haunted by a feeling of loss and needy-ness.

forcing change is hard. refusing the familiar too. and acceptance isn't the hardest. it is letting go that is.

2007-09-29T03:30:00.000-07:00

i swam for an hour today. comfortably tired :)

wrote this a while back and xuan reminded me of it, due to her comment of a squirrel yesterday so i thought i would just share it...

Acorns & Stones

the little squirrel, bushy-tailed
bright-eyed and confused
handed her acorn heart to you
(she didn’t know what else to do,
she didn’t quite know what was going on,
her acorn heart, it went thumpthumpthump!
and she was quite sure, it wasn’t an ordinary jump)

she thought she'd be honest;
unused to pretences and this funny little feeling.

But the little squirrel,
knew deep down that giving up her acorn to you;
her heart of hearts,
wasn't enough.

so when a stone came back in return
its polished exterior, so grey and pretty
and still and closed-
she was silent (in her pain)
but not at all, surprised (though the entire forest had been telling her otherwise)

the little squirrel understands life
and all, she wants back now,
is her fallen acorn heart.
Can she get it back, please?

2007-09-28T05:49:00.000-07:00

:/ there are so many things running through my mind now.

the unbearable lightness of being. is true love idealised. means and ends. where am i going. is friendship better sustained over constant communication or long lulls. who am i. school is ending. how do i write personal skills for bio pract. whats with the rat race. i feel like drinking mango tango and eating wasabi. was cutting my hair really an emotional repair/fix/mend in action. what is femininity. frangipanis are pretty but poisonous. does that mean something. is it love or ideals or social conditioning that sustains communication and relationships. what does it mean to lose a friendship. can people just drift apart. should i re-decorate my room. i really like that shattered-glass mirror. and i am getting addicted to 'beautiful girl'. its replaying in my head. eeek :/

but most of all,

the emotion, bitterness

i'm glad i finally identified it, after so long.

i can finally put a Word to it.

( i need words to firmly stick my emotions in place, otherwise i feel all mixed-up and icky like a octopus-jellyfish-seaweed.)

IT is as bitter as the 85% dark chocolate i relish

and the very bitterness of the illy black coffee i savour every weekend morning

and its aftertaste lingers in your mouth,

not unpleasant;

bitter-sweet.

bitter yet thankful -

2007-09-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

there are many many things to be thankful for in life. and yesterday i was having a long brunch/tunch with an old friend, i realised along the way that in one year time, it will be a decade since we have known each other.. :) and the friendship i am glad to say is still close and comfortable and everything you could ask for from a relationship you really treasure. :)

there are some that i made these two years... and i am so deeply thankful for them and hope to that they will be able withstand time, space and whatever that is thrown upon us after these two bullet train years..

that woman in the middle, she's my mum. well, surrogate mum at least. (we see joelyap making a guest appearance here, but he's not the point, SHE is haha) theo is everything you want in mum, sister, friend, chorister, conductor, coolpal, pillar of support and did i say, conductor again? haha she makes my heart go lukluk lumbu! :P nah. i just love her a lot, because she has stuck by me all this while. my moods and swings, my problems and irritating random habits, my complaints and she knows, even when i trying to hide from her, that i'm troubled. see, she is my mum. :)

chers, is the only person on earth that i can do THAT stupid and retarded things with and i don't know whether it's her or me (i think her :P) anyway i must reallllly thank her for putting up with all my pangsehs (heh, i am not as gutsy as her :P) and all the patience, and busrides and phone conversations and msn conversations and note passing in econs class over a sleeping yy hahahaa and always standing by me and telling me to wake up and all her wonderful analogies about the nile and charm.. well, remember ah dear , 28 nov, we have a date.. DON'T PANGSEH ;)

that's xuan. pretty right? :) and i can only think of typing these random things now haha. try to decipher if you can. cambridge, raindrops, desserts, shopping, mugging, icecream, singing, emo-ing. what more could ask for from a friend. :)

and of course, these people.

choir :) :) my all-toes.

and dance venia. :) :)

hahaa. and i just realised the funniest part. i am in a boys school. and everyone above are all girls. go figure :P

2007-09-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

snippetty snip!

against the well advice of everyone (you know, the more you tell me not to do something, the more i will do it :P) , with the exception of my favourite person in the world, heh.

i chopped it off.

:)

my mum's rather displeased about this display of 'un-femininity' and 'uglification'

and to be very truthful, i was rather wary and apprehensive myself. :/

but the sense of needing to be liberated and to be rid off of everything overrode whatever superficial girly instinct. and ugly is good. i always, always fear that i am somehow losing substance :/

so call me boy, man whatever.

i don't like my hair. but i do like the feeling of chopping it all off. so there!

2007-09-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

yesterday, instead of studying bio, i wrote verse. (sze, maybe that's why you can't remember simple things like the properties of tocopherol :/)

a frangipani tree

lies at the bottom of our shared garden,
it smiles at the passing children
showering petals
pink and white over their heads

the womenfolk,
they love its fragrance;
an alluring mist in summer's
humidity

its branches provide
much shelter from the sun and
rain
for the poor and tired

and i love it too
for reasons unknown
even to myself
maybe it is just pretty-

this fascination with it,
that frangipani tree i can see
from my veranda each day
and each night, is quite disturbing.

but
i'll never go down to it
to touch its trunk or
revel beneath its flowery scent

for it will stay down there
with the world and its going-ons
and i will stay up in my veranda
to watch it bloom.

2007-09-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

endorphins

swim, walk, dark chocolate, oranges

happyhappyhappy

i'm outta' this rut

i don't care. and i learn. the wall's up. no more cracks. it's better for the heart.

scars make you stronger for life.

2007-09-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

me and mister rain

we took a walk today

a silent cold companionship

both of us quiet in our pain.

we tried dancing together

but it just didn't feel right,

jumping in puddles that no longer liberate.

we felt alone, the both of us

me and mister rain

in this Friday stormy noonbreak

No cheery yellow umbrellas to speak of

only the drip drap of brine.

And i thought he would stay,

but mister rain,

he left.

And the hot bath soon after

didn't help,

i still missed him all the same.

2007-09-05T07:10:00.000-07:00

who am i kidding and who am i trying to fool now?

why, why do i have to chose to dredge up all this past.

i got it all walled in-

everything locked

oh yes, the mustiness of the air eats into my soul but do i prefer this honesty now, do i?

you can be hurt,

you can chose to be hurt

and likewise you can choose to heal yourself.

it hurts, i don't want to lie. i'm tired of lying.

and i am tired of acting nonchalant and brave.

it has been hurting for a long time now

maybe that's why honesty is better,

i needed the truth which i have known all this while faceup,

so someday the hurt will stop and i will heal.

i know it will get better.

and friends, we are always, always better together..

2007-08-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here?
And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together

----

oh, friendship is so very precious...

i don't know why but this song makes me rather happy. :)

2007-08-26T02:32:00.000-07:00

perhaps the coming week will be the last 'proper' week of school,

of a very unique ac ib world school experience,

and teachers day to end it all, how fitting...

all the .7 girls at our midsummer night's picnic. :)

i was lucky enough to spend two years with these ten girls, all different and beautiful in her own way. we might not all be that close to one another but along the way, friendships and attachments formed... and yeah, we ARE the amazonian women's tribe (all the way from pe last year), we are the .7 girls :D so don't mess with us...

and some of us at hairin's farewell.

i cannot even begin to remember all the antics, fun, shrieks, discussions on strictly-female-and-really-weird-topics and the sharing sessions and being there for one another... and ganging up against mcps and FOOD! haha :D

but is it going to end so soon?

:/

2007-08-22T19:47:00.000-07:00

The sun just slipped its note below my door

And I can't hide beneath my sheets

I've read the words before so now I know

The time has come again for me

And I'm feelin the same way all over again

Feelin' the same way all over again

Singin' the same lines all over again

No matter how much I pretend

Another day that I can't find my head

My feet don't look like they're my own

I'll try and find the floor below to stand

And I hope I reach it once again

And I'm feelin the same way...

- Feelin' the Same Way, Norah Jones

-----

bodyshop's lotus petal shower gel makes me happy :)

if nothing else can

2007-08-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

And with a green and yellow melancholy
She sat like Patience on a monument
Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?

- Viola, Twelfth Night

I had a dream last night, it was perhaps as you would put it, a manifestation of my deepest desire and my utmost fear. I awoke in the middle of it, between sleep and wakefulness- Choking on my tears and fighting for breath.

and the one word that kept echoing in my mind was,

'Why?'

-------

dear mister sub conscious,

are you trying to tell me something?

if you are.

it hurts. really bad.

and i need my sleep and rest.

i know i am a sucker for not facing up to reality but can't you please just leave me alone.

please?