Monday, March 31, 2008
all my us uni apps decisions came in today and i received three rejections one after the other in a 6am-bleary-eyed state of mind.
:/
rejection sucks. especially after so much work put in the apps.
and i went back to bed, wondering what the heck went wrong. :(
an entire checklist of academics, extracurriculars, community work, recommendations etc went through my mind as i ticked them mentally.. trying to see what was that missing element
but you know what, i realised what my mistake was. and i'm not talking about why i didn't get the apps. i'm talking about the bigger picture.
i realised that i was so caught up in this applications/rejection-failure mindset that i completely lost who i really was.
for three months, half of us, i daresay, have been slogging out on uni apps and scholarship apps. we are told to nicely compartmentalise our life in 'academics', 'awards and honours', 'ccas', 'community work', 'jobs/employment' and of course, present a gigantic lucridously pinkish red maraschino cherry on the top: the personal statement.
and in that process, i have started to judge myself subconsciously with that too. :(
what was choir? syf, gold in international compeititon. administrative executive, emcee, organiser of activities
not the 6.30am early morning syf rehearsals and 4-8pm ones. not brainstorming for blingssarigamanspikachus nor marvelous monday nor stcck! nor shedding sweat and tears and some blood (papercuts. heh) nor a rainy evening singing my romance with ibgirls nor arguments/banter with madam. not anything near what has been much of my life the past two years. nothing near it.
what was dance? welfare rep, latin, jive, ballet
not sleepovers and climbing over fences. poltical fiascos with dance managers. trying on heels and dancing the first time. laughing at all the weird movements and yodelling in the studio and showers. not the adrenaline rush of moving, the exquisite pain of stretching or the fatigue of a long day+3 hours of dancing. definitely not the passion.
what was community service? yls, imf, simun, st lukes
not seeing the old folks and feeling regret and pain for not bringing more. not the joy of seeing children laugh and playing with them. not the sense of urgency to solve problems and propose solutions.
---
so now i know why.
i never took on activities to fill up my resume; they were always chosen for meaning or passion or just fun. and i used to and probably still do detest or at least regard people that do these things just to prettify their resume rather warily.
but Ironically when the time comes for me to write my own resume and do my own applications, I've unwittingly committed and subjected myself to the mindset I abhor.
:( :(
un moment à se rappeler
. a moment to remember.
